Throwing, catching, hitting

You said something very interesting last night. You suggested that I might be doubting, having second and third thoughts not because anything was actually wrong, but simply because it's in my nature to question everything good that comes my way. I hadn't considered it from that angle before, but I think that's dead-on accurate. What's troubling me about this, all of this, this new life that is layed out before me is that it's all just too goddamn easy. And my brain simply can't accept that something so effortless doesn't have a great big catch, a huge "Gotcha!" waiting in the wings, ready to pounce once I accept my good fortune.

Falling in love with you? Took a matter of days. Getting you to love me back? Just had to be myself. The new job? Pfft...from first hearing about it to actually getting it was simplicity itself. I've been busting my ass for years to get exactly what was just handed to me, all wrapped up with a velvety bow, and all I had to do to get it was ask. Wow, really? Is it all that simple? Have I been working so hard for so long simply because I'd never thought to say "please?"

It can't possibly be that easy.

About twenty years ago, a new highway opened up near my house. It had been in the works for what seemed like forever, and when it was finally finished, you could practically hear the sigh of relief emanating from the local populace. Getting from Point A to Point B instantly became massively easier, countless hours of travel time were saved, and yet my mother refused to set foot (or tire) upon it. I asked her once why she wouldn't use it, since it was so much faster and easier than her preferred routes, which were harder, more dangerous, and took longer. "It's what I know," was her reply, and that was the end of that.

I find myself looking towards my life, my previous life, the one I had before meeting you and I'm drawn to it not because it's particularly attractive, but simply because it's what I know. It's hard, and it's dreary, and it makes me feel ordinary and pointless, but it's what I know. It's a certainty, all of it. I know exactly what to expect from it at any given moment. The same cannot be said of my future life, the one that makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like I could fuckingwell fly if I had half a mind to. And it can't be known, of course, until it's lived, but I'm so terrified that it's some sort of cosmic joke. That I'm somehow blinding myself to the man behind the curtain because I want it all to be true, because, dear god, why wouldn't I? In short, I don't trust my judgment because...because it's all just too damn easy. And real life, as I know it anyway, is hard. So anything this easy must therefore be fantasy, no?

I wrote a story recently about some students who used the Unreal Engine to create a simulation for patients who suffered from various ailments like vertigo or agoraphobia. By running through the sim, the patients, over time, could rewire their brains so that they would no longer suffer from the irrational fears that kept them from living normal lives. I think that's what I need. I hope that, with prolonged exposure, I'll finally be able to get my brain to accept that not everything good is a trap or a trick.

Unless, of course, it is.